Denver and Cortez

Illustration by Scott Shields
Written by T. LeMonde in collaboration with Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm

In a large city, in a large apartment building, lived a poor politician with his wife and two children. The boy’s name was Denver and the girl’s name was Cortez.  The politician had worked all his life to bring inclusivity and equality to his community, but as the economic bubble was about to burst, his goals were becoming more and more difficult.

One evening, as he was lying in bed worrying about the state’s problems, he turned to his wife and said, “What is to become of us? How can we provide food, housing and adequate health care to our community?”

“Early tomorrow morning,” answered the wife, “we will take Denver and Cortez into the thickest part of Central Park and leave them by themselves. We will take money from private ‘investors’ and none of that money will go to our children’s education or basic needs, just to the ‘community’”.

“That’s a great idea,” proclaimed the man. “Soon, I will be a successful politician and business man”.

At daybreak, even before sunrise, the woman came and woke the two children. “Wake up! We are going to Central Park for a nice walk”. Then she gave each one a nickel, saying, “This is to buy lunch. Don’t spend it any sooner, for you’ll not get any more.”

All together they set forth to the park.

The politician and his wife took the children deeper into the park than they had ever been in their whole lifetime. Finally the group stopped, and the mother said, “Sit here, children. If you get tired you can sleep a little. We are going into the park to feed pigeons. We will come and get you in the evening when we are finished.”

But as the day passed and it became night, nobody came to get the children.

Denver said to Cortez, “We will find our way,” but they did not find it.

They walked through the entire night and the next day from morning until evening, but they did not find their way out of Central Park. They were terribly hungry, for they had spent their nickels on pretzels the other day, and without bank accounts, they were unable to buy hotdogs or snacks from street vendors. Nonetheless, they kept on walking deeper and deeper into the park. Finally they came to a little blue house, with a white “f” for the door. As they came close, they saw that the walls were made up of personal information, and the roof made of advertisements for pretzels and hotdogs.

“Those advertisements are weirdly relevant, and seem tailored to our experiences,” Cortez mentioned.

“I admire the ingenuity,” Denver said, brushing off his sister’s concern.

Suddenly the door opened, and a man, possibly young but possibly old, came creeping out. Denver and Cortez were so frightened, but the man shook his head and said, “Oh, Denver and Cortez, come in and stay with me. No harm will come to you.”

“How do you know who we are?” asked Cortez. But before she could get an answer, the man took them both by the hand and led them into his house.

“You two have a low-income and are underbanked. I have the perfect solution,” the man said, while shoving Denver into a big pile of cash, trapping him under the weight of the money bags. Then the man took Cortez over to an oven in the corner of the small house.

“Climb in,” said the man, “and see if this product meets all legal standards, so that it can go public.” And when Cortez climbed inside, he intended to close the oven, and bribe her, and corrupt her.

But Cortez saw what he had in mind, so she said, “I don’t know how to do that. How can I get inside?”

“Stupid goose,” said the man. “The opening is big enough. See, I myself could get in”. And he stuck his head into the oven.

Then Cortez gave him a shove, causing him to fall in. Then she closed the iron door and secured it with a bar. The man began to laugh with glee. But Cortez ran away, and the godless capitalist turned into cash. Cortez ran straight to Denver, lifted the bag of money off her brother, and cried, “Denver, we are saved. The man is dead”.

But, after watching what happened to the man, Denver had other plans. “Stupid goose,” he said, “that is the American Dream”. And he ran to the oven, lifted the bar and hopped in, turning himself into cold hard cash.

America First; Unless we have to pay taxes or a minimum wage, of course

Illustration by Scott Shields
Written by T. LeMonde

Tomi Lahren and Ivanka Trump’s use of foreign sweatshops to manufacture ‘American’ products is a ‘UGE joke.

Maybe they are, too.

Hypocrisy. noun.

Illustration by Scott Shields
Written by T. LeMonde

(derived from the Latin “hypocrita”) is the invitation of George W. Bush onto The Ellen Show, or, Ellen Degeneres attending a football game with George W. Bush.

There isn’t much we can say on this issue, that Sam Seder hasn’t already so eloquently said. So, here he is to tell you all about the beautiful friendship between an apologist and a warmonger:

Enjoy!

 

*A little about the image: This image is a modern day take on an original Scott Shields illustration, published to Trump Le Monde on March 9th, 2017. The original illustration was in response to George W. Bush being invited onto The Ellen Show to talk smack about the current political climate, while casually ignoring his part in its creation. He also advertised his book of paintings.

Boof Kavanaugh 2: Electric Boofaloo

Illustration by Scott Shields
Written by T. LeMonde

Brett Kavanaugh was in the headlines again, with new stories about the “harmless fun” [New York Times, 2019] he may or may not have taken part in during his high school and college careers.

Last article about Kavanaugh, we briefly wrote about the allegations brought forward against him, but focused mostly on the surprising amount of integrity he acts with in his relatively new position in the Supreme Court. However; this isn’t to say that we don’t think he’s absolute trash.

(He is.)

Although these new stories aren’t backed by the person who was said to be the victim, with the word “impeachment” flying around so uproariously these days, It’s hard not to think that, maybe, it would be irresponsible to give such important duties to a person with so many allegations against them – without a full investigation – as quickly as Brett seemed to have been.

And, maybe, if we weren’t talking about Trump Era politics, we wouldn’t laugh at the thought.

America First; After Saudi Arabia and Israel, of course

Illustration by Scott Shields
Written by T. LeMonde

Choosing political issues to write about on a weekly basis can be challenging. There are quite a few topics that bounce around the political microcosm, and no doubt many of them are easy to crack jokes at. But sometimes, none seem to touch the corners of our proverbial screen saver; they just don’t seem very important.

So that’s why, for this high-brow blog post, we’ll be writing about topics and themes that have popped up many times before…

Oil!

Money!!

War!!!

On September 14th, 2019, drones attacked U.S. owned oil fields in Saudi Arabia. Although the Yemeni Houthi movement has since admitted to sending the drones in response to the genocide that Saudi Arabia has been committing in Yemen since 2015, the United States and Saudi Arabian government, as well as Germany, France, and the U.K., have blamed Iran for the attacks. No parties, however, have shown conclusive evidence in support of these accusations, which have all been denied by Iran’s president.

Along with these allegations came rumours or Iraq’s involvement. It was said that these bombings were in retaliation to previous drone strikes done by Israel. These rumours were quickly swept aside, due to it being less convenient, and two wars can’t be fought in Iraq.

That’d just be silly.

But nonetheless;

Because of the attacks, oil production slowed (for a short time), which in turn made the Saudi oil barons dissatisfied.

On September 20th, as a way to appease the wealthy reptilian bipeds, Secretary of Defense Mark Esper told reporters that American troops would be deployed to guard the Saudi oil fields, stating that “the United States has a responsibility to protect our citizens and our interests in the region”.

Mostly the Saudi monarch’s interests though, right, Mark?

The Ko*h Brothers

Illustration by Scott Shields
Written by T. LeMonde

We here at Trump le Monde, Inc. have a deep respect for those who have passed away, no matter who they may be. This respect is why we have waited to post any sort of article or illustration that may remind people why the Koch family are the worst. But 3 weeks is plenty of time to grieve the loss of a Koch, and Gods know they can just build a new one, so without further ado;

An article!

There are many topics that one may choose to write about when writing about the Koch family. More specifically, when writing about David (1940-2019) and Charles (1935-????) Koch.

Some topics may include:

  • Their inheritance of their father’s multi-billion dollar oil company, and the irony of the Koch Brothers belonging to a class of people who push to limit those who need assistance to afford food and shelter.
  • Their funding of conservative think-tanks and organizations as a way to push their ideology and skew studies that may not be in their favour.
  • Their push for tax cuts for the wealthy.
  • Their push against Medicare, and the irony of David Koch’s (probably preventable) death.
  • Their part in creating the political model that much of the western world relies on today, and the increasing divide between the “left” and “right”.
  • Maybe the fact that there is NO WAY their last name is ACTUALLY pronounced “Coke”.

You see, there’s just so much to choose from! And truthfully, it hurts our poor, tiny brains just thinking about it all.

That’s why, in this article, we won’t be writing about any of it!

Instead, we’re going to leave you with the best thing any Koch could give this world;

Wyatt Ingraham Koch

Let’s Say…

Illustration by Scott Shields
Written by T. LeMonde

As he looked around the room,
A grin came ‘cross his face.
Ben’s favourite time, it’s finally here;
The dreaded Q&A!

Dreaded by Millenials,
And Generation Z’s.
For genius is Ben’s mighty sword.
His kippah is the sheath.

Yet he knew that they’ll still form,
And wait their turn in line.
They’d prepared Ben their questionnaires.
Their questions; weak as twine.

So they asked, and Ben did cut,
With answers full of fact.
Or so he’d state, then followed by,
“’Cus feelings, you shan’t act”.

But Biases help him pick,
Choose all the facts he sees.
“Let’s say…” he’d start, no fact in mind,
Just pure hyperbole.

But his tongue moved quick, leaving
All flustered and annoyed.
But a room left quiet’s winning.
All arguments; “destroyed”.